The
Hunt for Tan Man
When dawn finally broke over the
horizon, Matt was fairly certain nothing would happen; not for another seventeen
hours anyway. From the intelligence they’d gathered, it was clear that he
didn’t work during daylight hours.
Matt yawned and stretched against
the wooden log he was leaning against. It had been another uneventful night of
waiting. As he sat up, he realized that his butt was numb from the loose gravel
he’s been laying on. He was about to say as much, when he belatedly realized
his partner was fast asleep.
‘What a bumbling idiot,’ Matt thought to himself. ‘The Bash, Stab,
Stab Method won’t work without the Bash.’
With that, Matt stood up and kicked Eric in the back.
“Wake up, stupid!” Matt yelled at the sleeping giant.
Eric jerked awake and sat up quickly, his hand searching for Igor, his
faithful bashing stick. When his focusing eyes finally recognized Matt, he
loudly groaned and lay back on the ground.
“Stupid midget…” he mumbled.
“Yeah, well,” Matt replied, “at least this midget knows how to stay
awake.”
Matt ducked out of the way of the flying rock and kicked Eric in the back
again.
“Come on. We gotta get back before anyone wakes up.”
The dull roar of the breakfast hall was like a foghorn in Matt’s ears.
He’d gotten two hours of sleep when they’d gotten back, but it wasn’t
nearly enough. Soon, Matt hoped,
this will be over.
Realizing he was being tapped on the shoulder, Matt turned around and
glared at the fiery redhead standing there.
“How’d it go last night?” Amanda asked loudly.
Eric, sitting across from Matt, shot his gangly leg out, connecting his
foot solidly with Amanda’s shin.
“How’d what go?” Eric growled.
“Ohhh… right,” Amanda said, looking around. “I mean, how’d you
sleep last night?”
“Uneventfully,” Matt answered. “But we’ve got some ideas…”
“On how to catch Ta-,“ Amanda started, until Eric’s foot once again
reminded her shin that she was out of line.
“We really oughta just duct tape her mouth shut,” Matt said, looking
at Eric. He nodded and Matt glanced back at Amanda. “Yes, on how to catch
TM.”
TM, or ‘Tan Man’ as he was known, was an elusive figure that had been
lurking around camp for the past eight weeks, and it was now up to Matt and Eric
to put an end to his debauchery. They were, in fact, the only two members of
ATM, Anti-Tan Men, and were determined to take him down.
“Well, good,” Amanda said. “I hope you catch him soon.”
Matt sank into the plush pink couch with a sigh of relief.
The day’s work, painting pool signs, had been rough, but now it was
time to get serious. Darkness would soon invade camp, and the hunt would begin.
“Let’s go over what we know,” suggested Eric, lounging on the
pleather couch.
“OK,” agreed Matt. “Let’s see… Tan Man’s tan, supposedly…
only likes to come out at night… obsessed with Sara most likely… Ya know
what? I betcha he’s a wuss.”
“Why’s that?”
“Well, because he’s always runs when someone shines a flashlight and
asks him who he is.”
“Maybe he’s Spanish and ‘Hey, who are you?’ means ‘Be creepy
and run away!’” Eric pointed out.
“Ummm… we’ll keep that in mind…”
“And I’ve been thinking…” Eric started.
“Oh no…”
“You remember the report about the mysterious falling tree that we
couldn’t find?” Eric asked. “Well, maybe he’s on steroids… and can
fly. That’s how he got rid of the tree… Oh! And all those dead plants… he
might be radioactive!”
“…okaaaay… Well, let’s say that it’s just a normal person until
we find out otherwise. Who are our suspects?”
Eric flipped open his notebook and scanned through a few pages.
“Suspect number one is
“So he’s most likely crazy,” Matt interjected.
“Yeah. Let’s see… he’s here every weekend, for some odd reason…
he invited himself to Sara’s wedding so there might be our obsession, and
well, he’s just darn creepy.”
“Not to mention Dan rhymes with Tan AND Man,” Matt mentioned.
“And his last name is
“Right! Okay, suspect 2?”
“Hmmm… let me look,” Eric said, flipping some pages. “Suspect
number two is Jay Martin. He’s a
current employee, so he’s always on camp. He’s always ‘really busy’
unlike his predecessors so he might be off doing things. Sara’s seen him
randomly walk out of the woods during the day and ignore her talking to him. And
well, he has no sense of humor… and he too, is just plain creepy.”
“Interesting…” Matt mused. “So how do we catch him?”
“Well, our waiting all night technique has yet to work…”
“Because SOME people fall asleep!” Matt pointed out.
“I don’t get it.”
“Shutup.”
“So what do you suggest we do?” Eric asked.
“Well,
I’ve got a plan, but it involves Sara and a tape recorder,” Matt stated.
“Neither of which we have right now.”
“Hmmm…”
As
if someone was messing with nature, Sara walked in at that moment. Matt
explained his plan to her and she agreed.
“But
first we need a tape recorder…” Matt pointed out.
“Hmmm…”
At
the moment, Andy walked in, whistling to himself.
“Hey
guys,” he said. “Does anyone want to use my new tape recorder?”
Later
that night, when all sane people were sleeping, Matt and Eric quietly sat in
Sara’s cabin, knives and bashing sticks in hand. With a nod from Eric, Matt
pressed ‘Play’ on the tape recorder.
Sara’s
voice emerged from the speakers. It was top quality and if they hadn’t known
better, they would’ve sworn she was right there with them.
“I
gotta get ready for bed,” the tape said. “It sure is lonely here all by
myself. I wish someone would visit me sometime. Oh well… boy, it was a long
day… all that hiking…”
The
tape continued to play Sara talking to herself, but both Eric and Matt had heard
it before. They’d written the script, in fact. And they were too busy focusing
on noises emerging from the forest.
Half
an hour later, they started the tape over, and began to settle in. Nothing was
happening. Occasionally Matt would lightly kick Eric to keep him awake, but his
own eyes were growing heavier and heavier as the waited in the darkness…
The
ear-splitting scream jolted Matt and Eric awake. Neither of them remembered
falling asleep, but that didn’t matter now. The scream came from not too far
away, and it was their job to respond.
Eric
crashed through the screen door, Matt on his heels like a starving dog chasing a
big steak, not that Eric’s real meaty… trust me.
They
emerged into the clearing and almost ran headfirst into Sara, who, upon seeing
them, screamed again.
“I…
saw him… he ran…” she stammered after recognizing them.
“Where?!?”
Matt asked hurriedly.
She
pointed and they took off into the woods, Matt in the lead. They had no
flashlights, just a full moon and their night-vision. The going was slow, always
dodging out of the way of branches, jumping over bushes, and avoiding sleeping
animals, but soon they began to hear something crashing through the trees ahead
of them.
“I…
think… we’re gaining… on him,” Matt puffed.
And
suddenly, the crashing ahead stopped. And before Matt could even wonder why,
there was a tremendous crash behind him and someone leaped on Eric from a tree.
Matt whirled around and tried to see what was going on, but a large tree was
blocking the moonlight. From the sound of it, things weren’t going well. Then
there was silence.
Matt
took a step forward and suddenly stars exploded in his vision and he dropped to
the ground. His vision began to tunnel, but he could see Eric’s bashing stick,
Igor, in the moonlight.
‘Why
did Eric hit me?’ Matt began to wonder, when the figure holding Igor stepped
forward into the light, and the last thing Matt thought before the darkness hit
was ‘What the f…?”
Matt
awoke hours later, tied to a tree, facing Eric, who was tied to a similar tree,
but unconscious. Matt looked down at his watch. It was almost dawn… where was
Tan Man? And more importantly, where was that knife? Either Tan Man had taken
it, or Matt had dropped it. No matter, it was gone now, but Matt was not
unprepared.
Using
his other foot, he popped off his left shoe and out fell a small knife. Using
his amazing flexibility, Matt used his toes to bring the knife within reach of
his hands and within seconds he was free of the old rotting rope which had held
him prisoner. He was about to go free Eric when he heard crashing behind him.
Matt
quickly resumed his unconscious pose next to the tree, gripping the knife in his
hand. The crashing slowed and
footsteps approached Matt’s tree. With renewed ferocity Matt leapt up and
stabbed the Tan Man six times. But what Matt failed to see was Igor in Tan
Man’s left hand, swinging for his rib cage.
Suddenly
Matt couldn’t breathe and he was once again laying on the ground, with Tan Man
standing over him, his knife just out of reach. Tan Man was saying something,
but Matt was having a hard time concentrating; though his attention focused when
Tan Man pulled out a large, gleaming hunting knife.
‘This
is it,’ Matt thought to himself. ‘Wish I’d done more with my life…’
And
then Tan Man fell. He didn’t trip, he just collapsed into a heap on the
ground, revealing a very pissed off Eric standing behind him, Igor clutched so
tightly in his hands that his knuckles were white. He helped Matt up, and they
got to work.
After
mucho stabbing, Tan Man was no longer a worry.
“So
the Bash, Stab, Stab Method turned into the Stab, Bash, Stab, Stab, Stab, Stab
Method,” Amanda observed the next
day.
“Meh,”
Matt replied, shrugging his shoulders. He was tired after talking with the
police for hours. He and Eric had told them that they’d been out night hiking
and were comparing knives when this maniac ran out of nowhere and ran into their
knives… 226 times. That seemed to satisfy them.
“So
who was he?” Amanda asked. No one else had seen the body except Matt, Eric,
and the police.
Matt opened his mouth to speak, but a loud horn sounded as Eric pulled up
in his car.
“Hey,
Sherlock! We got a case up at Sugar Creek!” Eric informed him. “Something
about a bunch of wannies running around worshiping Satan. Get your stuff!”
Matt
pulled out the hunting knife taken from Tan Man.
“Already
got it!”
He
hopped in the car and they sped off towards the sunset to once again battle the
forces of evil.